This upcoming semester, I would like to be that person.
I want to become who I am.
It is most certainly an ongoing process; but, I want to make a conscious effort to realize it, to make it my goal.
I’ve realized, especially in this past year, that I have been very dependent on some of my other roommates and friends too and not in the “we are all called to community” way. Socially, I’ve been lazy; Spiritually, I’ve been slothful. Either way… the past is not present.
I realize that I also have a desire to become more unified; I am under the impression that there is a central core… but still there are these extraneous parts, odds, and ends… that manifest themselves frequently. Yet, who am I to have an opinion of myself…? I am quite biased and my opinion of, well, me is probably jaded.
Despite this I still see the incongruence within myself that I wish to be reconciled. The answer? Peace.
The search for and maintenance of peace.
Might I add that I am having a terrible time keeping my tongue caged up, when appropriate of course. I’m talking about gossip. Truthfully, I don’t consciously make an effort to talk about people… but because our existence is a coexistence there is ample opportunity. This must be overcome. I can certainly increase what I am doing on my part to put an end to it.
The sin of detraction is a violation of the virtues of both justice and charity. It is the unjust damaging on another’s good name by the revelation of some fault or crime of which that other is guilty. (Paraphrased from the New Advent) There is something so tempting about pointing out another’s fault, or examining their choices, as I find myself doing in conversation or thought. Perhaps the real problem is not the gossip itself but the plank hiding from behind the splinter… envy. The sorrow for another man’s good.
There is so much in me that I desire to be rectified in the eyes of God. Despite this, as I have been recently learning, I can’t change it all for myself… in fact, I can change none of it. Instead, in peace… with good soil… the Lord works; He will accomplish it, in his own time, and way. The saints pour out these words so perfectly for us…! Saint Frances de Sales says this: We must hate our shortcomings, but with a hate that is tranquil and peaceful, not with a hate that is fretful and troubled; and, yes, we must have the patience to see our shortcomings and to profit from a saintly abasement of ourselves… there is nothing which sustains our defects more than a sense of anxiety and haste to eliminate them.
It kind of makes you… shut up, effectively.
It seems almost backwards; Yet, it reinforces this concept that “without [Him] you can do nothing”. (John 15:5) This way of thinking brings me peace, or at least the taste of it. In sincere truth, then, I am called not to find my own flaws, as I am already limited in what I see in myself, but I am instead called to give the Lord and opportunity to sow the seed. I must pray for grace: that will set my heart into motion and clear the earth of my heart.
You’re making my heart a garden.